Tuesday, March 01, 2005

You're in for a gut reaction

Yesterday I was rejected for what feels like one time too many. I have been putting my irons in many fires and I keep getting burned. Still waiting to hear from the school I want to go to... but other than that, my dreams are fizzling out a little right now.

I'm not sure how else to get through the day to day on this planet if not to cling to dream after dream. If they keep being unfulfilled though... then what? I know that one job opportunity is not going to save me from myself. I know I need to pay more dues and put more time in on the ground floor. I have to stop comparing myself to others because I just keep finding people who I think are better than me. Did I mention I'm pms-ing right now?

Soon that won't happen anymore. My blood is being analyzed and I'm psyching myself up to accept a foreign substance into my body. I'm even weirdly anticipating that bloaty, zitty period that happens when the T first kicks in.

I'm trying to take it easy these days because I have been sick a lot, and that is unusual for me. The one year anniversary of my quitting smoking is rapidly approaching. This year has had a lot of physical ups and downs. I'm still trying to reign in my sweet tooth and I'm considering cutting out wheat. I'm curious to see if I'll notice a difference.

Can I work at a non profit organization that I love and appreciate, for very little money, and be able to fend off the eventual resentment that being broke all the time brings with it? I don't want to feel like I did at minimum wage corporate jobs when I'm doing "meaningful work". I never meant to be such a negative person... but it's really hard to fight sometimes. When will I find a job that I don't take too personally? Will having children lessen the importance my jobs take in my life?

I'm full of questions this afternoon.


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