Monday, February 14, 2005

Ripple in Still Water

I'm listening to "Ripple" right now. I love that song. My discovery of the Grateful Dead came in a roundabout way. My mom's lesbian lover had been a follower in her younger days and at one point I bought her a tape (yes, a cassette!) that was a tribute album to them. I knew some of the bands on the tribute album so I listened to it instantly falling in love with the Jane's Addiction cover of "Ripple". My mom's partner dug out her old Dead tapes for me and I listened to them for a little while before going back to the Smashing Pumpkins, Nirvana and Pink Floyd.

Anyway, that was a little sidebar of my musical history.

Lately I've been listening to TV on the Radio - I really like the lead singer's voice and style. There's an accapella song that kind of reminds me of Paul Simon without being as high pitched. Anyway, I think they're an interesting hybrid.

Today's thoughts are primarily on two things:

1. That I am putting myself out on into the universe for any kind of career guidance and hoping that something good will come of it soon. I have applications in to work at FedEx, the queer film festival, as a user manual writer for a database system, as an administrative assistant at the other non-profit distrubution outfit in town (the video one), and to work as a researcher for Elvira Kurt's upcoming t.v. show. Spreading my wings a little and daring to dream that I can do any and all of these things. I hope I see some results soon though, because my future-focused self needs some encouragement that I've been doing the right thing.

2. "The right thing" leads me to the second main thought currently in rotation. I am so incredibly broke these days and I am so partly by choice. In trying to change my career path and future acheivements, I have chosen a path with very little financial compensation and yet I think that I'm getting something else out of it. It's incredibly hard for me to measure how I'm doing, and that drives me to run screaming to places like FedEx who will give me an employee number, a uniform and a decent benefit package. I feel like such a chicken. Like I can't dip my toes in the "meaningful work" waters for too long without jonesing for corporate security. To add insult to injury, my lady's government job layoff just netted her an unemployment check that is higher than what I make working nearly full time. It's not about her, it's about the system - this I know. I am impatient to be on the other side, to find my way of getting to a place where, like some people I know, I can decide what socially responsible things I want to do with my "extra" money.

For myself, for now, I have to find ways of not villifying the "other", not hating the rich, the skinny, the gender happy, the people who always knew what they wanted to do, people who are able to sacrifice more than me, work harder, be more dedicated... halfway through writing this I realized that I'm a big baby.

Tomorrow I have an interview with FedEx... hopefully that will kick off the flood of opportunities that I'm sure are waiting to crash through my door.

later.

1 comment:

Abigail Garner said...

Hi Lukas,

I found your blog on a search for adults who have/had queer parent/s. I am adding your site to my blog aggregator, www.oversampled.net. Requests to be removed are honored immediately, but I hope you will want to stay. I love your walk-and-talk videos. They are very effective in getting your voice heard...it feels like we're just chatting on a nice walk.